I can't even pretend to understand how all the bits and pieces on this website work, so I'm going to struggle through them until I can at least understand the basics of posting. If you can see this, I've been successful! I can't help but laugh every time I see the word 'blog' written on this site. It's just ridiculous. Every time, I hear the Monarch proudly proclaiming, "That's right! I have been blogging!"
I'm getting used to the idea of being an entertainer. I've always been a clown, using humour to deflect attention either toward or away from myself as appropriate. Sometimes it's easier in life to be offensive with a joke than it is to own up to the truth of something, and I suspect I'm not the only one who's had experience in life that'd make someone think that way, but the fact of the matter is that we live in a world which is patently ridiculous. Believe what you like about your origins, where humanity came from, what created the universe; our existence is absolutely and totally implausible and that is hilarious to me.
It still bewilders me that people would find me entertaining, though. I'm used to Roger Rabbit's line of reasoning. Sometimes, laughter is the only weapon that you've got! But to hear and be reminded that there are people in the world that purposefully spend their time either reading what I've written or listening to me speak on subjects I hold absolutely no authority over for the sake of entertainment? That still astounds me. I'm flattered. I genuinely am! If you're here to read this then it means that you are, very likely, one of those people. I don't think I'll get around to saying thank you to each and every one of you personally, but in all honesty and seriousness, this is for you. You're lunatics, all of you, and I'm touched that you're here.
This, here, is my very first attempt at a blog. I looked at Tumblr and it bewildered me. I looked at Livejournal again and, frankly, if I wanted my experience online to be an endless stream of Frank the Goat in-jokes I'd work at a zoo (goats, though, horrific creatures with horns and devil eyes!). This is what you get until I can figure out something better. Or maybe this is just the best thing that we're both going to get, you and I. It's going to be rambling, incoherent, largely unrelated walls of text on life, the universe and everything... Isn't it? I actually have a couple of ideas in my head about where I'd like to go with this. Turns out, you see, that I have something of a penchant for telling people what I think. The internet is a strange place when it comes to opinion. People leap up on their digital soap boxes and decry their pet hates and laud their favourites as though the hand of God had touched them directly, which, if I'm perfectly honest, bothers me immensely. Inarticulate, screaming praise makes me want to jump into a septic tank and hide. Snide, superior criticism based on faulty logic and sneering distaste is equally irritating.
My promise to you is that I will never try to obfuscate fact with opinion! I am, however, often wrong. I am not unbiased! There are things I dislike for no reason other than having been in the wrong frame of mind when I first encountered them. I am stubborn! On occasion I will continue to dislike something despite all logical evidence to the contrary!
Don't get me started on World of Tanks, that shit can go die in a fire.
This first post isn't nearly as funny as I was planning that it would be, but I think that's largely necessary to help me set the tone and lay out what I've got in mind. I don't want you to come here expecting Shakespeare and walking away with Dan Brown. Fuck Dan Brown! Where was I?
Opinion. Humour. The occasional rant and review from a self-styled Kiwi Time Lord. Discoveries. Vitriol and bile! Fury unleashed through the written word! These things and more available for free, at no particular interval, from someone that really ought to know better.
Because, strangely enough, you asked for it. Be this on your head.
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